He was talking about how he was having thoughts that morning and I was going to go over to my parents house to help him, but he told me not to come. If you need more info or my personal experience with grief I can help you .Sent your email or phone. I couldnt deal with the emotions as a result of this disease and had to file for separation. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. She has a four year old daughter who was in our apartment when she did this her 3 year old niece was there as well. Hello, I am also able to relate to this post, my friend was talking to me over social media when he killed himself 16 months ago now. I have so much pain. Richard Whitfield January 19, 2019 at 12:08 am Reply. Dear Prudence, My boyfriend killed himself last week. They entered into the apartment to find him hanging. I was the one that got the calls when ever my mom would attempt to kill herself. Tsunami waves that knock me to the floor crying uncontrollably. So Im speculating I suppose. Omg. It was all in the letter, every reason behind his suicide was a reason I gave him and I just wish I'd never packed . Another important description for me which resonates in everything I do is I am a widow who lost my husband to suicide 12 years ago. People mourn in different ways. He used cannabis heavily and I suspect other things too. I dont want to do this, I want to be a good father for them. My mom and I constantly reassured him he was amazing and wonderful because he was. since then i dont understand my attitude, i can easily gets irritated and my communication to others was losing. Since then I just havent been the same. So many questions dont have answers but this one is the biggest. I cant stop thinking about how this could have been avoided. Truth is I never could have changed the out come. The 1st year after his death I was ok kept myself busy, but in the years since I have become isolated from ppl and just dont want to do anything. .. Figuring Sh*t Out being one of the books. We were close, 3 years apart, he was my best friend. This event left scars on family and my father was consumed by grief, being murdered years later in a fight when drunk. This website has a listing for EMDR therapists https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/. It is hard to hold out hope but try until you cant any longer many people are suffering confide in those who know what you are going through peace be with you. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said Im going to hang myself, In my anger with my face still stinging as Im sure hers was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. We just had his wake today and the memorial service is tomorrow. My best friend, well call him Luke, killed himself almost a year ago. John Imboden October 17, 2020 at 11:18 am Reply. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. He boarded up the house from the inside and went under my brothers bed with a gun. At that point he either hung up the phone or he died, I will never know, they found him the next day in our truck dead. We took her to her doctor. Me too. But at the same time I dont know how if I have myself considered in dying because life is overwhelming me. No, the family is probably not interested in what their friends and colleagues have to say. I dont want it getting out yet because that makes it real. Please be kinder. And if they dont want you around they dont deserve you. She was 55. I was with him every day for the past year working with him and he thought me everything I know. May David rest in peace. Ella November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply, Hi Im Ella Im 14. Love and light to everyone going through this grief. Theres rumors he hurt people when he was alive and idk how to feel about anything. 3 years prior we lost my father due to medical issues she ran away with him when she was 18 and started a family here in Florida. We told each other all the time how much we loved each other, talked about the future, but he got wasted, took a bunch of pills, and left me behind. You dont live with someone that long and just stop caring about them. My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? No note, no reason therefore no answers. He was attended by Hospice and it was socially acceptable. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. He acknowledged and appreciated this. I am a dad who just lost my job. This is a hard thing. I live in NZ, there is still great stigma around suicide here, and debate about how much should be reported in the media regarding the high suicide rates here. I immediately tried to get him to come back inside and asked him what was wrong. He married and had two children. The only thing I remember after we got off the phone was me crying so much. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. I live fours away. Christina Patterson, whose sister also suddenly died, finds out how she coped Sat 23 Sep 2017 01.30 EDT I since have made a better life for myself, but only because I work for his father who is very successful in business. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. Im in another relationship now, and to the world outside, it appears that I have moved on. broke my heart that a 20 yo boy had to tell his father his mom was gone. Please reach out to someone for help. Thank you for this well written, perfectly timed article. Rose Eiesland Foster May 17, 2016 at 4:52 pm Reply. Next thing I knew it was early March and Im thinking I havent heard from him in a while, I ought to give him a call. The next thing I know, like literally a few days later, a friend in common texts me that TJ is dead! Sometimes suicide is not selfishand is never meant to hurt the ones left behind. July 17, 2019 at 8:36 am Reply. It has helped. We were extremely well matched. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. Lana, Elaine Kay December 29, 2017 at 6:16 pm Reply. I have two children which she loved and they loved her. All I can say is I dont know how, but you keep going. My brother took his own life 22 years ago. We post a new article to Whats Your Grief about once a week. He took care of his troops. We tried every time to convince him not to ever do it. I hope that you and your whole family are able to find the support you need. I worked my way up from agricultural fields into the technical and academia world. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . I am so grateful that we had the last 24 years as a family but my entire family and grandchildren are in such pain! Xx. I noticed the clock and called for a ride home. Please keep swimming. was indeed a last message im so lost, so broken and i cant even start to pick up the pieces idk how to hold myself back together, Daniel Hughes January 8, 2019 at 8:44 pm. This was 12/7/2018. No amount of words can express how deeply wounded I feel . I'm struggling to cope. I have pictures from our honeymoon, smiling with her mischievous grin and wearing a t-shirt that professed One of a kind. The shirt was right, and shes left a giant gaping hole in my heart that will never be fully patched. It was more than just a young love as some people might say. He was constantly in pain, both physical and emotional. I dont know what that means. My mother was one of the 41,149 suicides in 2013, and this blog had been a huge part of my healing. Is that a real book? Nothing. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. It scares me to this day. Dear Kindal, please dont give up! He was 20 years old and he was so smart and funny and was always helping me and his brother. I read the whole article, yes it was an informative subject.., but I was kinda hurt when I read your do and dont instructions.. Do say She killed herself or She died by suicide I find it a careless and judging expression on a suicide victim. His daughter found him. Im here. here seems like a good place to just, i dont know, put it out? My son died as well. I witnessed the scene. He had even made plans with other friends to keep busy over the next few days too. I think about just ending it all too. She made plans, danced, played piano. That was so brave. Hi my brother took his life by hanging on 1/1/17, he was 41, twelve years younger than me. Its never easy and it changes not only your life, but soul forever. Grief will come in waves, but you can ride it out. We had an instant connection and a fairytale romance. I spent years blaming myself, thinking if I had just said that or just done that it would have been different. I am moving forward in my life, because I have no choice. Those who are fearful of their responses may engage in maladaptive and persistent avoidance of triggers or reminders, which, in some cases, can contribute to the development of a psychological disorder and prevent the mourner from finding meaningful ways to continue their bond with their loved one. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. Her first husband had died 1.5 years before we met, and they had a young son. This website has many resources and information about support groups for families who have lost a loved one to suicide. The last thing he told me face to face was something about Neil Young, and the last thing he send me on facebook was a song by Neil Young. Irene November 29, 2019 at 12:15 am Reply. Everyone feels so guilty. Another family conference was called. Carolyn April 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm Reply. I am also sorry to hear that you have had poor experiences with mental health professionals. I understand the guilt, regret ALL OF IT. There is a common theme. That's OK. BREATHE, cry, meditate, yell, move the energy in whatever way is safe and meaningful. He will always be on my mind. She is now finally peaceful. I should have seen it coming I should have helped him more. Im sure you can. He also had drug use problems we did not know fully, i should have known. I said okay, I am gonna whip my sons buttI went inside and there was an odor, but thought maybe its the trash. He also died by a self-inflicted gunshot to his head. Finally on the night before he left he admitted hed been lying to me for months. Thank you for sharing your stories. Absolute heart break, I lost my brother on the 19 of November. I, from my bleeding heart, hope you can rest your eyes even for the night. And his wife ended up pregnant 3 mos after he died (not his child). At first I felt guilty feeling like I could have stopped him if I would have just stayed home. Answer (1 of 6): I cried um I thought of all of our memories good and bad and I am going through depression and I didn't know how to react I was just shocked and cried and I miss him and I kept thinking why would he do that and he would be graduation this year. The pain isnt as strong. Lorraine Malonson April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply. Its okay to express it. He left two beautiful girls who currently are trying to find their place in life wondering why their father could have left them. He was never a depressed person. I hope we, the siblings left, all find strength and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives. Our son was born a girl and lived as one for the first 12 years of his life. At first, the shock kept the pain away now I have days where the pain is so raw and I cant stop crying which is unusual as for years I have had no emotions due to other family traumas. YOU DESERVE LIFE! But.. I go to therapy and its really helped me to process. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. Plus the friends and any of his professors. We typically useWortman & Latack (2015)sdefinition of traumatic loss: A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved ones body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.. That is absolutely heartbreaking. I find getting out for long walks, and still talking to him help somewhat. God LOVES you, and has a plan and purpose for your life, at the end of the tunnel there is a light and his name is Jesus Christ, his word says in John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, I am the light of the world. Is it my fault? i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. Love you long time, partner. Not even our parents. My brother. I walked into his apt and found him sprawled on the floor, dead from a massive overdose. The way I found him is etched in my mind, and will probably never go away. Theres no one there. But your daughter is not in that category. I care, and I dont even know you. Why did you make my brother kill myself? Maybe if I had said something, or sat at his lunch table with him that day, or called him or anything at all he would still be here right now. She was beautiful, talented, loved and happy. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. My dads bipolar with manic rage. Changed my life forever. What I shouldnt have done. There arent enough resources or even training for professionals on these matters. He took him to his first day of school and returned home. She called it off last week, and this week was dating one of his friends. I was the sole provider the five years she was in maternity leave and when I point that out she says what about before they were born when you were out of work and I carried you. I lost my partner of 25 years to suicide in November 2014. Its quite a lonely feeling, isnt it? He never experienced COVID, never got his license, never got a job, never watched Tom Brady get his 7th ring. If your friend had cancer, would you blame yourself for the death? Gary could be warm and funny, but he could also 'start a fight in an empty room'. I will never stop loving him. He came into me and my two daughters lives a couple years ago. I am a single mom and couldnt expose my child to that danger. You brought up many things that I had set aside, forgotten, and needed to hear again. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will. Every day is saddening and the pain if overwhelming. To me I didnt lose a father, I lost an abuser, so theres nothing to be sorry for. He felt like he had fucked up too many times and that his life wasnt going to amount to anything but he was so wrong. Wow I cant believe so much people are going through what I am going through. So even when its evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death. We almost like we felt he was too good for us. I replay that night over and over again. Don, I am so sorry for all you are coping with. A means no.