The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. It took a bunch of direct messages to make it very clear that I dont want to contact him, Ash, a 31-year-old activist, tells us. Keep me posted. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. I think he feels very alone in life right now and he reached out because he saw I was connected to his sister on social media. This was a little bit before the internet was such a big thing, so he wasn't able to find me online. They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. Theres no doubt you had mind-blowing sex with your ex, but that was all there was to the relationship. But the only one I have on social media now is the one that took my virginity. If you still have feelings for this ex, and are considering the prospect of getting back together, dont just jump into it. Perhaps it was a two-week fling, a mutual breakup, or an old partner who ghosted you once and has resurfaced for closure. Programs. Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. Dont reconnect expecting the relationship to start back up at the depth it existed years ago. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. Its difficult to find someone who accepts you the way you are. It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. Youll have to settle for way less than that. He said hed been having dreams about me and wanted to see if Im ok and that was it. Apparently he had heard a rumor that I had found out I was pregnant after we broke up and had aborted the baby. These details seem very random, especially when she would send me this out of the blue after so long. Very random in his message he stated that it was crazy for reaching out and that Ive always been brought up in conversion by school mates and that hes sorry if he negatively impacted me and hes always wishing the best for me and hes never forgot me. This is not about playing games, its about knowing if you really want to restart a conversation with a person who you have dated in the past. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. You are busy. Discussions must remain civil at all times, and women must be allowed to dominate the discussion. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. The most common reason your ex-girlfriend will reach out to ask how you are doing is to make sure you are doing okay because she still cares about you, and loves you as a person. You dont need to reply if you dont want to (things could get out of hand). What role are they going to play? In your mind, it's been a while since you broke up, and in the meantime, it feels like a lot of water has passed under the bridge. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. Remember, when an ex contacts you, you need to be answerable to yourself first. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. If you're in the midst of a no contact rule, which includes time frames of 21 days, 30 days, and 45 days, you may be sitting and thinking that you should respond back to your ex. Bye." Chapter closed. There was a certain sense of familiarity and comfort in your relationship which is simply hard to replace. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. I think she just wanted to test the waters for a while since she missed you. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. For the past year, I've been letting go of people from my past & focusing on what I want in an ideal partne. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. You broke up because an argument went too far, but they want to see whether you can pick up where you left off. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. You never know how valuable your reach-out might be to another. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. Have you ever considered getting back with your ex? Turns out she was in a 12 step program and got to the step where she was supposed to make up with those she'd done wrong in the past. He'd tried to reach out to me a couple times after the break-up. An immediate response is never a good idea. If your ex wants something from you, your ex will directly or indirectly point it out. He asked me if I would give him the opportunity to say them to me. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. In searching for the familiar, we may be drawn back to past times in our lives when our cares seemed so much lighter than they do now. This helps us in two different ways. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. I think you did the right thing. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Why did they have to reappear when things were just about to get fine? thoughts like these come and go, wrecking your peace of mind. Theres no generic advice on what to do when your ex contacts you after years. It really depends on a number of circumstances such as the cause of your breakup, whether your ex has moved on completely or not, if your ex hates you or has no bad feelings towards you. Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety. I had an ex reaching out to me after 4 years, he left me for someone else but never owned up to it after the breakup, but I knew and so did many of our friends. A whopping 62 percent of married folks in her study wound up having an affair with their ex even though they didn't reach out to them with any such plan in mind. In my last relationship, I left the guy to be with my now husband. 1. He was. What do you expect out of this renewed relationship? "Crossing the X Date would be unprecedented," Akabas said. If you were dumped and forced to go no contact with your ex, asking your ex this question is perfectly fine. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. If you're hesitant to use a video call, a phone call can be as intimate and connective as a video call. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. After the initial gloomy impact of the breakup is lifted, they perceive that leaving you (or cheating on you) was a huge mistake. Now shes unblocked me and sent me messages saying shes moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally dont feel ready to talk as I dont want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. We also struggled with communication but we were young so makes sense lol). Consider whether your ex is entitled to this kind of work from you. To handle an ex coming back with dignity, you should ponder on all the probable scenarios to stay a step ahead of them. Lets explore the possible reasons behind an ex trying to make their way back into your life: Exes come back after months. When you first start dating, it's normal for him to only text when you're making plans together. No matter how you both ended things, try not to respond to the text immediately, even if its a lazy Saturday afternoon and your only entertainment is your cat licking her own fur. When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. When we experience a sense of danger or face threats, most of us immediately are driven to seek out our support network members. I hadn't recognized him at all bc he was a late bloomer -- he'd still been boy-looking back when I'd known him. Perhaps you could lend me an ear?. Is there any ulterior motive? It is okay if he contacts you after so many years. The next weekend, the friend showed up again, and this time he brought my ex. You were important to each other once. He'd already tried to reach out to me a couple times, but I wasn't ready. I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. He has to now find a job in stead. Always so grateful. You must keep in mind that your ex (the dumper) decides what kind of a relationship is possible. Basically, he sent me a very long email (that's his way of communication.) When you receive a response to Why did you reach out, discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your exs attitude. In such situations, it is important to understand that the ex is texting when the ex feels like it. Shes blocked me off everything , moved twice now. Only exes who dont talk for 5 years or more sometimes start to change their opinion of their ex. That doesnt, however, mean that you should talk to her, keep getting closer, and abandon your wife. It takes more energyemotional and physicalto make a phone call or video call than it does to send a text or "like" a social media post. I reached out to let him know, and asked if he'd like to meet up in person for a bit, that I wanted to see him and also apologize for how things had gone down. Maybe your ex has actually stopped being an emotionally abusive person. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they're most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. I think if you don't feel completely comfortable responding or you're questioning their motives, then don't respond. If so, remember what you said and keep your word, because going against it will only cause problems between the two of you. PostedMay 1, 2020 It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isnt really worth it. September 8, 2022 by Zan. Such dumpers often get nostalgic, hurt, and depressed so they contact an ex they used to be close to and come running back faster than greased lightning. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. Its strange to call your ex to find out if they think the same as them, but it happens because you still feel connected to your ex. Additionally, make sure you tell your partner when yourex contactsyou so it doesnt appear as if youre hiding anything.